You’re not looking at the guy I used to be
I could jackknife off a rope, swinging from a tree
Swim beneath the river ‘til I reached the other side
Naked in a gang of friends with nothing left to hide
Everyone would get a tan, but I was always fried
If someone told you different, well... he lied
My car could hold a dozen people packed
In the trunk and under blankets for a drive-in show attack
I once snuck in the exit under cover of the night
A guy pulled up behind and I yelled: “Man! Turn off your lights!”
It was the cops and long before they heard that we had rights
They dragged us off to jail without a fight
I once ate five pig sandwiches for lunch
I never learned to fight but I could really take a punch
I could bench three hundred pounds, and maybe squat with four
I drank my way down Clinton Street, hit every swinging door
Along the way I danced with girls I coaxed out to the floor
But I am not that kind of yahoo any more
Everything began to change somehow
Instead of cussing now I say “Gol dang!” or “Holy cow!”
The trout still bite at daybreak, but I remain asleep
I can't find my shovel when the snow is getting deep
Don’t bother me with music by some phony gangsta creep
On top of that they say I’m getting cheap
I’d not be standing here for you to see
But I just got shot with cortisone, arthritis in my knee
An unappreciated, overmedicated, superannuated soul
Skipping meds to keep away from that dreaded donut hole
The top half of my heart don’t beat, it’s just worms in a bowl
I’m the last guy who will ever shout “Let’s roll!”
So come and join me in my memory
You’ll be grinning, tanned and toned, swinging off that tree
Watch a minor league Whitey Ford striking out the side
Pass the hat for two bucks in gas to take an all-day ride
You won’t have a care or know a single friend who’s died
Just hop in my old Dodge, I’ll be your guide
--Johnny Paycash